4-25-14

"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'."

The other day when I was going through a pile of things in my dorm room something small and silver hit the ground next to my foot. I bent down and found that it was a ring an old boyfriend had given me a good while back. It was something I thought I had long ago boxed away and forgotten, but picking the ring up was like opening an old picture album; all of the memories from the moment he gave it to me to the day I took it off and threw it across the room in teary eyed haze played through my head like pictures. Yet when I took a closer look, what hit me harder than the memories was the ring itself. The jewels no longer sparkled but shone a dull "I've been sitting in this nasty corner where you hurled me forever ago" mute and a grey dust had built walls around each hidden jewel that probably would  require a tiny power washer to fully remove. The once sleek and beautiful silver circle that surrounded my finger was now cloudy, scuffed, and bent to a shape that closely resembled an eggplant. The ring I was holding barely even looked like the one I used to know, but somehow it brought tears to my eyes as I paused and closed my hand around it. 

The frightening truth was that the reason I was crying wasn't that I missed the times when the ring never left my finger, but simply because in the ring I saw myself. 

When the small jewelry box was first handed to me I was told,"to wear this as a reminder that I was captivating." Half of me was quite confused and the other was slightly terrified that the high school boy in front of me was about to get down one knee and turn this into a 50 shades of "what are you doing" situation. Yet the box opened, and I knew exactly what he meant. I couldn't take my eyes off it. It sparkled in the light in a way that made little rainbows on the wall, and was so unique that each time you looked at it you could swear you saw something new and different. Now I know I don't have the human capability to create rainbows on a wall and sparkling is not something that happens when I walk under a light, but somehow I still felt a connection with the tiny object that was being presented to me. 

I have always been in a constant battle with self-image and have been defeated day in and day out for years,and in the past nine months of my freshman year of college I gave up the fight. No one was around to tell me to eat or noticed if I just stopped coming to the dinning hall. No one was next to me late at night in my dorm to see me binge on (dairy free) ice cream when I had a horrible day. No one could tell if I had eaten ten meals that week or two. And somewhere after countless mornings where I would sit in front of my mirror with tears in my eyes and go through eight outfits before settling on a giant t-shirt and leggings to hide everything..I realized something. I no longer was captivating, but capsizing. I no longer believed I could hold anyone’s attention and I saw myself  as mute and dull as the ring that currently sits on my keyboard. 

Have you ever driven past a dilapidated and graffitied building, and it takes everything in you not to pull over and just take it all in? Have you seen that countless modern photographers have the “rustic” falling apart locations for the backgrounds of their pictures? Have you ever picked up an old falling apart book  and not wanted to put it down? There is something beautiful in the damaged, the broken, and the “rough around the edges”. It means it has a story, that something happened that would never make it the same. And it is that mystery that for some reason makes us not want to look away. 

When I was closing my hand around the ring I was breaking because for the first time I was seeing the transformation I had made in the last nine months. I’d turned into someone broken, damaged, hiding, and falling apart. But when I opened my hand, I realized what I was really looking at- something that I couldn’t look away from.

I thought- maybe just maybe- there is something captivating in the capsizing.And maybe that something is in me, in you- in all of us.

 I couldn’t look away from the ring because I knew it’s true beauty…and for the first time I saw that God sees each and every one of us exactly the same way.

xoxo K

12-30-13

Everyone gets so excited for their fifteenth birthday because they can get their permit. People always long for their sixteenth birthday because they can get behind the wheel of a car by themselves. Even on your seventeenth birthday you finally can go to that R rated movie without your parents. Then of course there's the long awaited eighteenth birthday, the day you finally are legally an adult, the day you can buy lottery tickets and cigars, and drive past midnight. But what comes with that next birthday? The nineteenth? Absolutely nothing it seems, but the promise of the last days of your teenage years. Yet as I've had my first taste of my nineteenth year I am seeing that this year is important because what you've learned in the past eighteen years finally starts to catch up with you and sink in for the first time.

So here's nineteen things that I've learned to live by before my nineteenth birthday:

1. Learn to count your blessings- literally. Buy a journal, grab a pen, and write down every thing you are thankful for. And not just the big ones where you make the team or cast list you wanted or you didn't totally flunk that test you thought you would, but the small ones too. The familiar creek of the back door when you get in after a long day, the way the reading lamp glows as you read through the night, or the sound of your best friend's laugh. Before you know it, the line "10,000 reasons for my heart to find" becomes all so real.

2. Don't neglect your relationships with your family members. Blood is thicker than water. You'll be surprised the best friend you can find in your mom, the fashion expert you'll uncover in your sister, the laugh till you're almost in tears good time you'll have with your brother, or the C.S Lewis wisdom you'll dig up with some one on one time with your dad.  


3. Let your phone die every once in awhile. You'll find that not being able to be found can be a breath of fresh air.

4. Having chemistry with someone doesn't mean you have to like them. Don't be afraid to fall in love with someone as a best friend. It's a lot less complicated and you may come out with a friendship like you've never had before.

5. Take pictures. Posed group shots. Silly best friend shots. Cute couple pictures. Dare I say it- family pictures? and most importantly unexpected candids. Trust me, that "ugly laugh" you're sure you have is actually the most natural and beautiful side you possess. Dare to document it. Because down the road you'd rather have too many pictures than none at all.

6. You're never as mature as you think you are, and that's perfectly normal. Being young gives you a little room to be stupid, so don't waste it because it won't last forever.

7. Stop checking her Instagram. Tearing all of her posts, tweets, and pictures apart isn't going to make you any prettier or any better of person. Just press unfollow or whatever button that will take her off your newsfeed. You'll find that putting away the measuring stick and stopping the game of comparison will make you feel a heck of a lot better than any roast session will. I promise. 

8. Cry. When you're happy, when you're sad. Don't be afraid to face emotions head on. 

9. Don't let anyone discredit what you want to do with your life. Don't get embarrassed or discouraged when someone asks you "So what are you going to do with that major?" Simply smile, and tell them you may not be sure, but you'd be more than happy to show them. This is your life, don't let anyone take that away from you.

10. Sometimes all you need is a chocolate milkshake, french fries, and your mom. And that's perfectly alright. 

11. You are a part of a bigger story, so don't let a lesser story in your life distract you from that. That ex that you can't seem to let go of, that best friend who deserted you when you got something that they wanted, or that internship that fell through the cracks-- they are all lesser stories. Stop making them big ones. Bigger is always better,right? So don't let the lesser stories take you away from the bigger and better one that's right in front of you. 

12. Netflix may be a wonderful cure for boredom, but books are magic for the soul. So read that new romance novel that's been on your shelf since Christmas. Pick up that tattered old favorite and read it again. Sure you may know the ending, but I guarantee you've forgotten some of the magical details in the middle. 

13. Laugh at your problems. Go ahead. I dare you. Because somewhere in that laughter you'll find that no your world isn't ending, whatever is happening isn't really that bad, and it's a lot easier to face something with a smile than with a pity party with the attendance of one.

14. It's not a crime to pick a Mountain Dew and cheeseburger over a soy latte and sushi every once in awhile. 

15. Don't be afraid to go against the grain. Date that younger guy. Stay in with a small group instead of going to that big party. Wear red lipstick on a weekday. There's no better way to turn people's heads than to walk the other way.

16. Ask people how they are- and mean it. Ask your friend, the cashier at Walmart, your teachers, your parents. You'll be surprised with answers you get and the things you'll learn about the people around you.

17. Do something with your summers. Work at a camp. Serve in a different country. Babysit those kids down the street. You'll look back one day and wish you hadn't sat by the pool and slept in till half way through the afternoon-- avoid that now.

18. You don't always have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Despite what everything in our culture tells you, jumping into something new isn't going to help you heal and move on from your ex. And having someone there all the time to tell you how pretty you are or to cuddle with you whenever you want is extremely overrated. Especially if you haven't learned how to be by yourself on a Friday night or be able to look in the mirror and believe what you see is beautiful. 

19. Things don't always have to be complicated. Just keep your dreams big and worries small.  




xoxo K

6-3-13

Well, there ya have it folks. I am officially done with high school. It honestly hasn't fully sunken in yet. A part of me still feels like at the end of summer I'll be gearing up to another year in the hollowed, cement walls of my high school crammed in with about three thousand other students. It doesn't seem like that in the fall I'll be moving into a dorm on a campus in a little mountain town that has one stop light (they tried to put in a second one, but the town thought that would be too much haha.) The only thing that really has sunk in is that I am so very ready for whatever my future has in store for me.

Yet before I jump full on into college mode, I think it'd be worth going back one last time and publicly stating what I learned in high school, because I think I've learned even more than I realized I did. I guess for starters high school taught me that having a few friends is a whole lot better than having a group of friends that don't really care about you and will turn on you after any little mistake you make. I made quite a few mistakes in high school...haha more than I'd even like to admit, but there's been only about two people who I have stuck by me through all of them, and it took me until senior year to realize that. So,sure I don't have sleepovers every weekend with a group of girls or have massive group messages blowing up my phone every few minutes, but at the end of the day I get to look back on the hours spent at the pool or watching movies with a few people that make my heart smile bigger than my face ever could. And I wouldn't trade that for the world.

The next thing high school for sure taught me is that you have to learn how to make yourself happy. One of my biggest mistakes that I made time and time again in the past four years was looking to other people for my happiness. Whether it was a boy or a group of girls or a director or a grade in a class I was always relying on other people to make me feel good about myself or to give me happiness and joy. That was the reason I honestly didn't start to feel truly happy until the very end of my senior year when I finally took my happiness back from everyone I had handed it over to. I took it back and gave it back to myself and to God. Since then, I have been the happiest and most content I have been since way before I can even remember.

The last big thing that I want to take away from high school is that, high school really wasn't meant to last forever. The friendships you make there don't need to carry on for the rest of your life, they are needed more as bridges teaching you and showing you the path to better and stronger friendships you will make in the future. The drama and the heartbreak and the football games all will amount to a dusty photo album you only pull out every 10 years before shoving it back on the shelf with some remark about how you wish you could fit in to that size jeans again. I see now that graduation wasn't the end of all I've ever known, it was the beginning of the world I am so ready to meet. 

Well look at that, I actually get to walk into college saying I did learn more than that the cafeteria food is the number one killer of 9th graders and that there isn't actually a pool under the gym floor. :)

xoxo K 

12-29-2012

Hi, I'm Kristen. That picture up there is me. I love the number 13 and have really big hair. I was born on the first day of winter. I like spending my days curled up with a book and a hot cup of coffee. I wear a lot of bracelets and carry around really big purses. My favorite thing in life is a good story, specifically ones that are told on stage. Because, as far as I'm concerned, that is where I belong.

    I'm easily excited, frightened, or fascinated. I'm 18 now, but I never stopped believing I was one day going to be a Disney princess. My biggest fear is getting bad news. Or letting someone down. I really love photographs so I have them all over my walls, and I make collages more than what's probably considered normal. I say thank you constantly. I believe every girl should fall in love with at least one boy band before she grows up. It's that magical moment of innocence where you're dancing around your room to their record with complete certainty that you are going to marry one of them. I live in a part of Georgia where the summers are straight from a southern novel, and sweet tea is an art form. There is also a 99% chance that someone will open the door for you, and drivers will always smile and wave when they cut you off.

I go into a trance when watching old Disney movies. I don't like it when someone or something turns out differently than I originally thought. Like when you buy those fancy chocolate truffles and they end up having a nasty jelly inside. But, I mostly don't like it when it happens with people. I love my friends and am always discovering new ways that they can make me smile. I really don't think you can ever stop finding reasons to smile or uncovering new things to learn. I also don't think you should take life so seriously that you forget to believe in magic. 

Theatre has taken me all over the world, but seeing how it brings people together is what makes it so magical.  I'm blown away when I look out in to an audience and can see the level of diversity of people that gather under one roof to be told a story. It is strange to think that I can share emotions with so many different people at one time through a character, but I love it. For thirteen years I have been getting in front of audiences that range from all my relatives in our living room to theatres packed with over 1200 people. When I think about all those years I see the rush of an opening night, the flood of the lights, the exhaustion of rehearsals,the sting of misadventures, and all the indescribable moments in between. But in retrospect, it just looks like home. 

I can't wait for the future. But mostly I can't wait to learn and feel and experience what's in store for me. Thank you for visiting, reading, attending, and mostly letting me document my ramblings here every step of the way. 

xoxo K